Thursday, March 8, 2007

Who I have become and my Emotional Dead End

Let me set the scene:

In my humantities class there is a boy, cute, who I know is gay. I have very little gay friends because it seems they all want sex instead of a friendship. We stare at each other and then continuously miss each other after class. Even if I were to approach him after class i wouldn't know what to say. If I were interested in sex, it would be much easier. Sex is easy, trying to begin friendship with someone out of the blue is hard. So for the past month we have sat next to each other and not saying a word.

Yesterday, we took an exam, he came in late...sat someplace on the other side of the room. We did our usual stare down and when class was nearing an end, we didn't STOP staring, i think we were trying to tell the other one that we wanted to talk. I left the room after him, as usual, he changed his route of leaving the building to match mine. When I walked outside he stood staring at the door pretending to talk on his cell I approach he closed his phone and walked in the same direction as me. we past by a small coffee shop, where he stopped and got into line - turned and looked at me.

Here is where I start to hate myself. This was a perfect opportunity to get in line with him and strike up a conversation like, "how do you think you did on the exam?" or "want to study together sometime?" But I didn't, I took my perfect opportunity to make a friend and shit on it. I kept walking, staring, of course, at him...I walked a ways down, and then decided to turn back and stop being a fool. When i returned, he was gone.

Due to this incident, I am officially hating myself. I experienced a full 180 turn in my outlook in life. I, the eternal optimist, lost hope yesterday and became an official cynic. I hate it.

So now, I am the one who is to blame for not having friends. Here is why I didn't stop to talk:

In the past 3 years of living here, I have had very few people "stick" as friends. Many people have been nice and claim to try to keep in touch but I am continually rejected and receive answers like "oh I can't, I am so busy." So in this particular instance, i was afraid of being rejected once again at the prospect of having a friend. I don't think I can take much rejection from people when all I want is someone genuine to talk to. So i am either rejected as being a friend, or I am overly accepted as being a hook-up. I am not looking to hook-up, I have a partner whom I love very greatly and have very little on the friendship side of life. I have never judged myself on the amount of friends I have but instead the QUALITY of the friends I have. But it is hard to judge anything when there is nothing to judge!

For these reasons, I feel lathargic, angry, sad, and alone. I have a partner...but that's it. I don't have a friend from here until you reach St. Louis. I would have to drive 2500 miles just to see someone who cares about me. Its depressing.

I wish I could continue to be satisfied with being a great person, but I am losing that ability by the day.

I have reached the end of optimism.

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