Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The Other Side of Friendship

I was thinking this morning about how I want friends, see my other post entitled, For Better or for Worse.

I was thinking about my motivations for wanting friends, and I see that they are genuine yet incomplete. There is another more selfish reason that I want to have a person who i can call a friend...

I want to feel needed by someone, who is not my partner. I want someone to want my advice, to hold thier hand in times when they need it, and trust me to care for them no matter what.

I am feeling more and more that San Francisco has no people like that for me. All the people I have met in the past 3 years have given me nothing much more than their phone number, which I never use because I know, from experience, they either don't answer...or are busy.

I feel more and more each day like coming here was a mistake.

Androgynous Woes

There are very few times in my life that I wish I were someone else. I am generally very fulfilled and happy with who I am and how I got here. But everyone in a while I am reminded that I am different...

I am taking Adolescent Psychology and we are discussing Gender and the roles that society has placed upon the "normal" male and female. Basically endulging in socially accepted stereotypes. Since it is adolescent psych, we were talking about how having characteristics of the opposite sex either enhances or hinders a person. As a child, it is good becuase you are more easily pleased, as an adolescent it is a hindrance because conformity is the primary was to survive, socially, during this time.

We identified to concept of androgyny and what that means. I don't know what it is but I am so unconfortable talking about this in a clasroom setting. Outside of the classroom I am NEVER limited in my discussion topics, but I think I have unresolved issues with this issue and how it affected my life in a classroom setting.

When I was growing up, I lived in the Bible belt - where diffference is looked down upon. I was made fun of for being gay before I even knew what it was. I was made fun of for wearing Billabong, becuase it was "a girl brand" even though I bought my clothes from PacSun ON THE GUY'S SIDE. I don't remember a day go by that I wasn't called a fag/homo/queer. This time in my life comes crashing back into my mind when I am sitting in a classroom, especially talking about androgyny. I am not sure why because if you know me, I am not the type of person that gives a crap about what people think or say about me. But I return to the person I was when I was 13, who did care...and due to that care wanted to kill himself.

So to make matters worse, we were assigned an extra credit assignment, in which we are going to take articles that are socially unacceptable for men/women, and discuss them in front of the class in groups. The assignment is totally optional, but I am never one to pass up extra credit.

I am kinda interested to see if anyone who reads my blog has any words for me, whatever your thoughts are on my situation and what you think. Tell me about how you ahve coped in similar situations, or didn't whatever the case may be.