Who I have become and my Emotional Dead End

Let me set the scene:

In my humantities class there is a boy, cute, who I know is gay. I have very little gay friends because it seems they all want sex instead of a friendship. We stare at each other and then continuously miss each other after class. Even if I were to approach him after class i wouldn't know what to say. If I were interested in sex, it would be much easier. Sex is easy, trying to begin friendship with someone out of the blue is hard. So for the past month we have sat next to each other and not saying a word.

Yesterday, we took an exam, he came in late...sat someplace on the other side of the room. We did our usual stare down and when class was nearing an end, we didn't STOP staring, i think we were trying to tell the other one that we wanted to talk. I left the room after him, as usual, he changed his route of leaving the building to match mine. When I walked outside he stood staring at the door pretending to talk on his cell phone...as I approach he closed his phone and walked in the same direction as me. we past by a small coffee shop, where he stopped and got into line - turned and looked at me.

Here is where I start to hate myself. This was a perfect opportunity to get in line with him and strike up a conversation like, "how do you think you did on the exam?" or "want to study together sometime?" But I didn't, I took my perfect opportunity to make a friend and shit on it. I kept walking, staring, of course, at him...I walked a ways down, and then decided to turn back and stop being a fool. When i returned, he was gone.

Due to this incident, I am officially hating myself. I experienced a full 180 turn in my outlook in life. I, the eternal optimist, lost hope yesterday and became an official cynic. I hate it.

So now, I am the one who is to blame for not having friends. Here is why I didn't stop to talk:

In the past 3 years of living here, I have had very few people "stick" as friends. Many people have been nice and claim to try to keep in touch but I am continually rejected and receive answers like "oh I can't, I am so busy." So in this particular instance, i was afraid of being rejected once again at the prospect of having a friend. I don't think I can take much rejection from people when all I want is someone genuine to talk to. So i am either rejected as being a friend, or I am overly accepted as being a hook-up. I am not looking to hook-up, I have a partner whom I love very greatly and have very little on the friendship side of life. I have never judged myself on the amount of friends I have but instead the QUALITY of the friends I have. But it is hard to judge anything when there is nothing to judge!

For these reasons, I feel lathargic, angry, sad, and alone. I have a partner...but that's it. I don't have a friend from here until you reach St. Louis. I would have to drive 2500 miles just to see someone who cares about me. Its depressing.

I wish I could continue to be satisfied with being a great person, but I am losing that ability by the day.

I have reached the end of optimism.

The Other Side of Friendship

I was thinking this morning about how I want friends, see my other post entitled, For Better or for Worse.

I was thinking about my motivations for wanting friends, and I see that they are genuine yet incomplete. There is another more selfish reason that I want to have a person who i can call a friend...

I want to feel needed by someone, who is not my partner. I want someone to want my advice, to hold thier hand in times when they need it, and trust me to care for them no matter what.


I am feeling more and more that San Francisco has no people like that for me. All the people I have met in the past 3 years have given me nothing much more than their phone number, which I never use because I know, from experience, they either don't answer...or are busy.

I feel more and more each day like coming here was a mistake.

Androgynous Woes

There are very few times in my life that I wish I were someone else. I am generally very fulfilled and happy with who I am and how I got here. But everyone in a while I am reminded that I am different...

I am taking Adolescent Psychology and we are discussing Gender and the roles that society has placed upon the "normal" male and female. Basically endulging in socially accepted stereotypes. Since it is adolescent psych, we were talking about how having characteristics of the opposite sex either enhances or hinders a person. As a child, it is good becuase you are more easily pleased, as an adolescent it is a hindrance because conformity is the primary was to survive, socially, during this time.

We identified to concept of androgyny and what that means. I don't know what it is but I am so unconfortable talking about this in a clasroom setting. Outside of the classroom I am NEVER limited in my discussion topics, but I think I have unresolved issues with this issue and how it affected my life in a classroom setting.

When I was growing up, I lived in the Bible belt - where diffference is looked down upon. I was made fun of for being gay before I even knew what it was. I was made fun of for wearing Billabong, becuase it was "a girl brand" even though I bought my clothes from PacSun ON THE GUY'S SIDE. I don't remember a day go by that I wasn't called a fag/homo/queer. This time in my life comes crashing back into my mind when I am sitting in a classroom, especially talking about androgyny. I am not sure why because if you know me, I am not the type of person that gives a crap about what people think or say about me. But I return to the person I was when I was 13, who did care...and due to that care wanted to kill himself.

So to make matters worse, we were assigned an extra credit assignment, in which we are going to take articles that are socially unacceptable for men/women, and discuss them in front of the class in groups. The assignment is totally optional, but I am never one to pass up extra credit.

I am kinda interested to see if anyone who reads my blog has any words for me, whatever your thoughts are on my situation and what you think. Tell me about how you ahve coped in similar situations, or didn't whatever the case may be.

Thanks

For Better or For Worse

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I lead a lonely existance. I am lonely with millions of people buzzing by me every hour! It is ironic really. I have to talk to people, beucase that is the nature of the education system in which i am surrounded, but outside of casual encounters, i don't have the one or two people that i know i can rely on.

I would like to be optimistic and say that I will one day find that person, but i feel like everyone already has that and I am left with nothing. Don't get me wrong, there are numbers in my cell phone adress book, but none of them that I could count on loving me no matter what. It is more along the lines of:

"Oh would you like to go to dinner?"

"Sure I don't have anything else going on"
as time grows closer and it is just a few hour before the time of meeting...
"Oh I'm sorry I double booked, can we reschedule?"

TRANSLATION: I'm sorry, something better came along.


It is lonely. i think it is the area, There are so many people, so many oportunities, that my opinon of fun is over thrown by someone else's. It is tragic.

Every weekend, almost, we go to our favorite club.

Let me set the scene:

US - hot, being grabbed by people dancing with them.
Go out to cool off, talk to them for a while....their other friends come along....they dissapear.


This is my life, a series of dissapearing acts. I should prolly go through my phone book and delete people, they probably have moved.

I mean I am a fantastic person to hang out with, ask my old friends back home. i am not understanding why the people hear are so flaky. Even the people that I have have hung out with several times, they still flake. It almost seems that people are intimidated or annoyed by me. The people that I am closetest to treat me like I am their younger brother that they are forced to hang out with.


I just want someone, ANYONE, that will be there for better or for worse. Not just until something better comes along.