Who I have become and my Emotional Dead End

Let me set the scene:

In my humantities class there is a boy, cute, who I know is gay. I have very little gay friends because it seems they all want sex instead of a friendship. We stare at each other and then continuously miss each other after class. Even if I were to approach him after class i wouldn't know what to say. If I were interested in sex, it would be much easier. Sex is easy, trying to begin friendship with someone out of the blue is hard. So for the past month we have sat next to each other and not saying a word.

Yesterday, we took an exam, he came in late...sat someplace on the other side of the room. We did our usual stare down and when class was nearing an end, we didn't STOP staring, i think we were trying to tell the other one that we wanted to talk. I left the room after him, as usual, he changed his route of leaving the building to match mine. When I walked outside he stood staring at the door pretending to talk on his cell phone...as I approach he closed his phone and walked in the same direction as me. we past by a small coffee shop, where he stopped and got into line - turned and looked at me.

Here is where I start to hate myself. This was a perfect opportunity to get in line with him and strike up a conversation like, "how do you think you did on the exam?" or "want to study together sometime?" But I didn't, I took my perfect opportunity to make a friend and shit on it. I kept walking, staring, of course, at him...I walked a ways down, and then decided to turn back and stop being a fool. When i returned, he was gone.

Due to this incident, I am officially hating myself. I experienced a full 180 turn in my outlook in life. I, the eternal optimist, lost hope yesterday and became an official cynic. I hate it.

So now, I am the one who is to blame for not having friends. Here is why I didn't stop to talk:

In the past 3 years of living here, I have had very few people "stick" as friends. Many people have been nice and claim to try to keep in touch but I am continually rejected and receive answers like "oh I can't, I am so busy." So in this particular instance, i was afraid of being rejected once again at the prospect of having a friend. I don't think I can take much rejection from people when all I want is someone genuine to talk to. So i am either rejected as being a friend, or I am overly accepted as being a hook-up. I am not looking to hook-up, I have a partner whom I love very greatly and have very little on the friendship side of life. I have never judged myself on the amount of friends I have but instead the QUALITY of the friends I have. But it is hard to judge anything when there is nothing to judge!

For these reasons, I feel lathargic, angry, sad, and alone. I have a partner...but that's it. I don't have a friend from here until you reach St. Louis. I would have to drive 2500 miles just to see someone who cares about me. Its depressing.

I wish I could continue to be satisfied with being a great person, but I am losing that ability by the day.

I have reached the end of optimism.

My Weekend

So we didn't go out this weekend but we did do something that was much more productive.

Friday:
We went to class/work as usual, came home and got all dressed up...and usually would go to the city to dance, but this time we went to our favorite restaurant. Had a rediculously expensive meal, 6 martinis, nice people, hot waiter....ah the joy.

Saturday:
ORGANIZED THE CLOSET! This was fun becuase we went thorough all the boxes that we moved here and threw away a bunch of things that just didn't seem to be as important as it used to when we lugged it across the country.

Went to Organized Living and bought clear plastic boxes to put all the stuff we DO want to keep back up in the closet in a cleanner more uniform way.

Sunday: Cleaned

It was one of those weekends that after the fact it doesn't look so good on paper, but makes you feel good.

i didn't waste my saturday trying to removed all the alcohol from my system, and we actually got things done.


Anyway, i have a class in 20 minutes...

The grooves I follow

Sometimes, and most of you do too, feel like a robot. I wake up at 5:30, take a shoer, out at around 5:45-6:00. Then I get coffee and sit on the couch while my partner showers watching the news and at least one episode of Sex and the City. After he is done I do my hair, eat breakfast and leave the apartment at about 15 after 7. Drive to class, park in the same space in the same garage, walk the same places study the same subjects and for the same amount of time.

The other day I was sitting in my Chemistry class and all the sudden, I was thinking and I didn't even remember driving to campus an dwalking to class. I think it is because I have so much going on in my life that I think about. The good thing is i am not working right now....but that makes me feel guilty. It is almost strange that I feel guilty that I have time to study in a manner that isn't rushed. I AM ACTUALLY LEARNING!!! My grades reflect that and I am proud that I am maintaining As in all my classes, but feel guilty at the same time.


ugh, life is so hard

The Other Side of Friendship

I was thinking this morning about how I want friends, see my other post entitled, For Better or for Worse.

I was thinking about my motivations for wanting friends, and I see that they are genuine yet incomplete. There is another more selfish reason that I want to have a person who i can call a friend...

I want to feel needed by someone, who is not my partner. I want someone to want my advice, to hold thier hand in times when they need it, and trust me to care for them no matter what.


I am feeling more and more that San Francisco has no people like that for me. All the people I have met in the past 3 years have given me nothing much more than their phone number, which I never use because I know, from experience, they either don't answer...or are busy.

I feel more and more each day like coming here was a mistake.

Androgynous Woes

There are very few times in my life that I wish I were someone else. I am generally very fulfilled and happy with who I am and how I got here. But everyone in a while I am reminded that I am different...

I am taking Adolescent Psychology and we are discussing Gender and the roles that society has placed upon the "normal" male and female. Basically endulging in socially accepted stereotypes. Since it is adolescent psych, we were talking about how having characteristics of the opposite sex either enhances or hinders a person. As a child, it is good becuase you are more easily pleased, as an adolescent it is a hindrance because conformity is the primary was to survive, socially, during this time.

We identified to concept of androgyny and what that means. I don't know what it is but I am so unconfortable talking about this in a clasroom setting. Outside of the classroom I am NEVER limited in my discussion topics, but I think I have unresolved issues with this issue and how it affected my life in a classroom setting.

When I was growing up, I lived in the Bible belt - where diffference is looked down upon. I was made fun of for being gay before I even knew what it was. I was made fun of for wearing Billabong, becuase it was "a girl brand" even though I bought my clothes from PacSun ON THE GUY'S SIDE. I don't remember a day go by that I wasn't called a fag/homo/queer. This time in my life comes crashing back into my mind when I am sitting in a classroom, especially talking about androgyny. I am not sure why because if you know me, I am not the type of person that gives a crap about what people think or say about me. But I return to the person I was when I was 13, who did care...and due to that care wanted to kill himself.

So to make matters worse, we were assigned an extra credit assignment, in which we are going to take articles that are socially unacceptable for men/women, and discuss them in front of the class in groups. The assignment is totally optional, but I am never one to pass up extra credit.

I am kinda interested to see if anyone who reads my blog has any words for me, whatever your thoughts are on my situation and what you think. Tell me about how you ahve coped in similar situations, or didn't whatever the case may be.

Thanks

For Better or For Worse

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I lead a lonely existance. I am lonely with millions of people buzzing by me every hour! It is ironic really. I have to talk to people, beucase that is the nature of the education system in which i am surrounded, but outside of casual encounters, i don't have the one or two people that i know i can rely on.

I would like to be optimistic and say that I will one day find that person, but i feel like everyone already has that and I am left with nothing. Don't get me wrong, there are numbers in my cell phone adress book, but none of them that I could count on loving me no matter what. It is more along the lines of:

"Oh would you like to go to dinner?"

"Sure I don't have anything else going on"
as time grows closer and it is just a few hour before the time of meeting...
"Oh I'm sorry I double booked, can we reschedule?"

TRANSLATION: I'm sorry, something better came along.


It is lonely. i think it is the area, There are so many people, so many oportunities, that my opinon of fun is over thrown by someone else's. It is tragic.

Every weekend, almost, we go to our favorite club.

Let me set the scene:

US - hot, being grabbed by people dancing with them.
Go out to cool off, talk to them for a while....their other friends come along....they dissapear.


This is my life, a series of dissapearing acts. I should prolly go through my phone book and delete people, they probably have moved.

I mean I am a fantastic person to hang out with, ask my old friends back home. i am not understanding why the people hear are so flaky. Even the people that I have have hung out with several times, they still flake. It almost seems that people are intimidated or annoyed by me. The people that I am closetest to treat me like I am their younger brother that they are forced to hang out with.


I just want someone, ANYONE, that will be there for better or for worse. Not just until something better comes along.

Why is he doing that?

I am currently taking a Bible History and Literature class to fullfill a humanities credit. I like to discuss what I leard to the people around me and I suppose I sometimes inspire other to read, or investigate something.

As I was discussing this class to one of my friends online, i saw out of the corner of my eye my boyfriend flipping through the pages of my Bible. Let it be known that I am not a deeply religious person by any means. The friend I was talking to kind of is, on the basis of his past. I think he has gained a greater respect for religion since his mother's passing this past Christmas time. But since he was so interested in my class i sent him the materials that I have to read for him to look through.

12:28 AM

My boyfriend is still flipping through the Bible while I am trying to fall asleep.

He says aloud, "I don't know why but this certain verse has been stuck in my head today."
I look up and see that he is holding my Bible with the front cover wrapped tightly around the spine for easier holding. As he reads the scripture I want so badly to make him stop. "Stop doing that to my book, your break the spine or even worse, bend the cover!!!" I think to myself.

i was vaguely paying attention to him as he read, but I was familar with the verse and I told him that it was very inspirational and that we should sleep. He continued to stare at the pages and as he does he tightens the cover around the spine. I wince inwardly at the sight of this.

What is interesting about this situation is that if you know me and my boyfriend you would understand that this is not the way this gernerally occur in our house. I am the messy clumsy one and he is the one who believes who heartedly that everything we own has a specific place and why on Earth would we ever move it to someplace new and not put it back. There are few things in life that I would like to be prestine, my hair, my bag (I always have a messenger bag at all times-currently a Tumi Flow Color:Moss), clothing, and my books.

I was relieved once he finally stood up and put the book back on the shelf in the next room over. When he came to be and shut out the light, I had a sudden urge to go check on the damage and to make sure that when he returned it to the shelf the corners of the cover were not bent by the other books. At this same instant I was reminded of my Chemistry lab that I have in 2 hours and the quizes that will take place in said lab. I allowed my responsibility win and I followed suit with his heavy breathing and drifted to sleep.


THE POINT:

Well I am not sure that there is one, but I do belive I have a version of ADD in which i am constantly confronted with new thoughts that lead me to other non related thoughts and ultimately I am forced off the course in which i was headed. Another example of this is the blog entry I am writting right now, i was studying, was reminded of the quiz which made me think of the event with the boyfriend, which ultimately made me want to write, which is now wasting my study time.


Until my next great distraction.

A Familar Smell

I just walked from the parking garage, where I parked this morning, to the library, where I am supposed to be studying, and in front of Duncan hall of Science they were doing yard work. The smell of gasoline, from the cars and the leaf blower, mixed with the smell of fresh cut grass felt nastalgic to me.

Growing up in the midwest, Indiana more specifically, we always had a large lawn mower to help cut the 8 acres of mowable land from the totalling 32. Early in my childhood I anticipated cutting the lawn as a priveledge as opposed to a chore. Later, when I became wiser and knew that my job of mowing the lawn was labor, the anticipation moved to dread. When i began outwardly refusing to mow the lawn, my mother would do it. Since I didn't have the responsibility any longer, I would instead sit in my overly heated and humid room and watch television. It wasn't until I saw how much energy that it took from my mom that I felt badly and began volunteering once more. When my sister got older, she started doing it. To my understanding she still likes to do it, so I don't have to worry about my mom.

Now that I live in the San Fracisco Bay Area I am beginning to realize how much of my previous life I missed. The smell of gasline and freshly cut grass was not a treat, then, but more a daily occurance, during the season.

Despite the smells of home I miss what it looked like. There are fully grown trees and a seemingly endless supply of people who are not mystified by the glamours of city living and are not jaded by such things as Louis Vuitton, BMW, Gucci, and Prada. I miss the time when before I realized what these items really were and longed for simplier things in life like acceptance, a girlfriend, most importantly - a way out.

I am realizing more and more that my off and on feeling of being trapped here is ironic becuase of how badly I wanted to be anywhere but where I was when I was in grade school. I often think of moving back home, but when i go to visit I am depressed by how much different it looks to me. I am not sure if the land has changed of if I am expecting more out of it than what it ever was.


What is more depressing than nostalgia, is a realization that you, too have become jaded and mystified.

Running With Scissors

Yesterday I finished Augusten Burroughs' memoir called "Running With Scissors". I found it strikingly similar to the experience I have had in life, thus far. Not the pedophile part but his mother and their relationship. The quirky, innaporpriate, and overall firghtening demenor of his mother and her way of life. More importantly her feeling that she was normal when, so obviously, the opposite is true.

Since I finished this book last night I have since began the sequel, Dry. I am excited to read how he rocovered, dealt with, and moved on from the terrifying childhood he lead.

Will update as I read more.

Interesting..

I love that Cisco really believed that Apple Inc. wouldn't go through with the naming of the new phone as iPhone just because a few weeks prior Cisco named a VOIP phone iPhone. I also love that Apple is gusty enough to take on the sueing and know they with the right amount of money...Cisco will drop the suit.

Death the Cisco...

*BTW: the photo is from Engadget.com*

No Night Is Too Long

full-length Gay themed Horror Film